I was surfing online this morning and found this interesting email from a 24 year old man who is attracted only to older women. He wrote for advice from Betty Dodson. Betty is an 80+ sex educator extraordinaire, so I wanted to share her insights with my readers. By the way, Betty and I share the same views on Cougar relationships, which have always gotten such a bad rap. If you, or someone you know is questioning their attraction – send them this brief article.
I am a good-looking 24 year old man. I am writing to talk about a strange psycho-sexual perversion I have. Since teenage years I am tremendously and almost exclusively attracted to older women, that is women who are 35 or above (the ages I find most attractive are 40 to 55 but I have fantasized about women a lot older than that too). This is not some fantasy for fit looking ‘milfs’ as is the trend these days, but I like women who look natural, have wrinkles, crow’s feet, grey streaks of hair and other markings of age.
I like women who have experienced life, understood themselves and their bodies and accepted the ways of nature- so the more a woman accepts her true physical body, the more I tend to find her irresistible. A woman who accepts her sexuality or her emotional nature or for that matter her strength or masculinity, should she be fundamentally that way, is attractive to me. I understand there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this, except that this attraction seems exclusive, to the extent that it is very hard for me to stay aroused around younger partners, I have to think up some older women I fantasize about. This makes my love life terrible and hellish. I sometimes think I have this idealistic vision of an older woman who is radiating intelligence as well as motherly warmth, who respects and adores and accepts me, as she accepts herself, and we love each other deeply.
Let me elaborate. I can love and deeply care for women around my age (I am 24). I forge deep, loving emotional bonds with women in my age range, and usually these relationships are sisterly rather than romantic. But put in a woman above 35 around me and I start seeing something sexual in her.
My personal theory is that it results from how I grew up- I had a cold, undemonstrative mother and an almost cruel, truculent grandmother in my house when I was growing up. Also my mom always wanted to superficially hide her age and look younger. In fact I always used to ask her how old she was but she would never tell me. My mother also was rather strict and wanted me to suppress my sexuality, never masturbate or date in school. I feel that now when I see women who could fit in the roles of mothers or grandmothers for me, and are rather sweet, kind old women, I somehow get sexually aroused and fantasize of being intimate with them.
I know this is rather long, but I have tried to probe myself honestly. Given that society has such a taboo against younger men dating older women, I have never had an older lover. In fact i do not know how to find them. Most older women looking to have sex with younger men seem to treat men like young meat to be used for a fling. I therefore want to be able to feel sexual attraction to young girls as well.This is affecting my personal life. Please advise. I will be really grateful.
The dynamic you describe is more prevalent than we are led to believe. As a matter of fact, the whole “Cougar” phomenon deals with this in a crass commercial way that emphasizes the sexual double standard. When a man has the same interest, he’s called a “Silver Fox” and society completely approves. We often sneer at the older woman doing the same thing.
The first problem is your own harsh judgement. I would not consider this attraction of yours to be a “psycho-sexual perversion!” Embrace your attraction and learn from the experience. What you resist will persist.
Throughout my seventies, I had a live-in lover who was some 40 years younger. He became my apprentice and I taught him about sex from my POV. After 10 years, he moved along and has since gotten married to an age appropriate young woman. So I personally know the joys and pitfalls of the younger/older couple dynamic. For any young man, having an older woman who is knowledgeable about sex as a lover is the best way to learn about sex. Get my e-book *Orgasms for Two* which reflects the special relationship I had with my very young lover.
Now that I’m in my early 80’s, a younger man would be in his 40’s or 50’s. But if you lived next door, I swoop you up in a heartbeat and you would be ravished by a wise old grandmother. Well, it’s at least fun to fantasize isn’t it. Acceptance my dear boy, acceptance. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to older women. Declare your sexual independence day and Live out this attraction which will liberate you to be free to enjoy both younger and older women.
The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.