The secret to having an intimate relationship isn’t bringing more people into our lives. It’s learning how to stop the destructive patterns that tear us apart and make it seemingly impossible to reconnect. There is no action more devastating in relationships than an affair with another person. In fact, that action always communicates to our partner that they don’t matter and that they’re not important. That’s the reason infidelity creates a pain like no other. Even if the wayward party still cares for their partner, it won’t feel that way to the one who was been betrayed.
Author Holly Hill says she’s done with open relationships. Once an advocate, her experiment with open relationships has now brought her to a place of monogamy. What seems to make logical sense doesn’t always work out as expected. She began her experiment after a breakup with a married man and determined to find out what went wrong. She concluded that men were hardwired to need sex with more than one person. She believed that we were not made to have monogamous relationships.
While her theory was interesting, it also goes against the reality of human history. If that were the case, wouldn’t marriage as an exclusive relationship have disappeared long ago? Instead, history reveals a need for someone special in our lives. In fact, the need for relationship is so strong that the worst punishment you can give another is solitary confinement. We will eventually go insane if separated from meaningful relationships.
Ms. Hill has courage. After running her experiment, she admitted that her conclusions were incorrect. Having an open relationship didn’t work. Instead, it made her feel paranoid and made her partner feel emasculated. Far too often we have a tendency to blame the people we’re with rather than exploring whether our beliefs are correct. Rarely is our problem other people; instead it’s about how we see life.
The need for human attachment is apparent as early as infancy. We are hardwired for connection. If a parent walks out of the room of a toddler, that child experiences a primal panic, and the child begins throwing a fit to get the parent to come back. They want that connection. Adults are no different. If our partner does anything that leads us to believe they don’t care for us and that we don’t matter to them (like a tone of voice) we experience the same distress of disconnection and we react in much the same way. The simple fact that we strive so hard and for so long to work things out with another is proof that we need those primary relationships.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the hill; the grass is greener where you water it. If you’ve been running your own hypothesis that open relationships work, then at least have the same integrity as Ms. Hill and evaluate to see if it’s really working. If it is not, come take the Affair Analyzer at affairrecovery.com and we will help you discover why. We can help you find another path.
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