by Linda Franklin
I received this touching email from a an older woman who found herself in a relationship with a younger man. The problem she faces is one shared by many women, so I wanted to share it with my readers. I asked her permission and she said yes.
My name is Tara and I’m an avid reader of your blog and a member of The Real Cougar Woman Club.
I was wondering if you could write an article or pass along some advice to me regarding my situation with dating a younger man. My experience may not be as unique as I feel it is, but I haven’t been able to find anyone who has gone through a similar situation.
I was dating a man who was thirty, I was forty seven at the time. Initially we had been friends, each in relationship with someone else. As our friendship developed we grew closer and decided that we wanted to be together as partners. My age was never an issue for him but i struggled with it a bit, my self esteem and confidence issues surfaced but we managed.
Not too long after we hooked up, a good friend of his passed away leaving his wife and their two young children, one being a new baby. When this happened, his desire to have a family really surfaced and it ultimately led to us parting ways.
We were apart for about eight months although we stayed in touch as our friendship was so strong. He came back a few months ago saying that he didn’t want to be without me and realized that our being together was the most important thing to him. We promised each other that we would communicate if his feelings about having kids were to surface again….and unfortunately, they did.
We talked but really, the bottom line cant be changed. I have two children, a twenty one yr old and a sixteen yr old and I don’t want to start another family. Even if I could, I’m too old to have a child and like I said, having a child again even through invitro or adoption is not an option for me. We decided to end the relationship and I’ve asked for no contact because being in touch only fuels the pain and heartache.
As cut and dried as it seems, I’m having such a hard time with the loss of the relationship again. I understand it, I think it’s great that he wants a family, but my heart feels otherwise. I’m so angry at the world and myself for falling in love with someone that I can’t be with. I am everything he wants in a woman and we love each other so much. We get along famously in laughter, honesty and with a deep connection but our differences in age has brought about this painful circumstance.
I feel so alone and I wondered if you’ve come across this type of issue before and if so, would you share any insight that may help me get past it. Perhaps its like any other failed relationship, only time will be the healer. I miss everything about him, I love him so much. I don’t know how to move on feeling so broken hearted. I know I will survive but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello Tara –
Tara, I feel your pain. It’s not easy finding a man you have such are connected with in so many important areas.. But, for what it’s worth, I believe you did absolutely the right thing. You must always listen to your gut even when the message it’s sending isn’t what you want to hear.
Living a happy life is all about the choices you make. I respect you for being upfront and honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Telling him what he wants to hear, at your expense, never works. Hang in there the right man will come along. Many younger men have the added pressure of listening too much to friends and family who could be reinforcing the family issue. Stay strong.
The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.