By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.
Women bond to a man sexually, partly because of wish fulfillment, an increase in Dopamine and Oxytocin levels associated with orgasm. Many women think that once they have slept with a man it means things are now exclusive; however, men do not necessarily subscribe to this thinking.
This is why it is SO IMPORTANT to have a talk prior to having sex to find out what this experience is going to mean for both of you and to make sure you are on the same page. If you are a woman looking for an exclusive relationship and he is a man who is not, then why would you have sex with him? You are putting your emotional health and risk and will end up getting hurt.
Word of caution. Just because a man says he is looking for an exclusive relationship does not mean it will be with you. He may still be playing the field until he finds “the one.”
Too many people jump into the sack too fast without even really knowing each other, and this results in hurt feelings and possibly STDs. Having three dates with someone is not exactly knowing who they are, and if you will be a good fit long term. If all you are looking for is a no strings attached relationship, that is fine. But be up front about it so the other person can make an informed decision.
One reason women get so angry about this sort of thing is because they feel like they have been “used.” Well, it takes two to tango. If the lady does not do her due diligence determining the guy’s character, relationship views, goals, etc. and has sex with him doesn’t she share in the responsibility?
It is not realistic to have a monogamous relationship after one date, two dates, three dates. It takes TIME plus EXPERIENCE to develop trust and a relationship. Women have a tendancy to project their romantic wish list onto the men they meet, as women tend to act more out of emotion than logic. Men, on the other hand, do not necessarily work this way. So, if you sleep with a man too soon and expect more than he has to offer, it is not his fault. Men will be men.
You can’t change certain aspects of how men are wired. But what you can do is be smart about who you give your heart, body and soul to. Sex/love, like trust, should not be handed out to anyone who makes your heart and groin flutter. BE SMART WITH YOUR HEART. Take some time to get to know who he really is. You may discover you don’t even like him as a person, in which case you will be happy you did not have sex with him. Bonding with a man before you get to know who he really is, can be a recipe for disaster. That’s how so many women end up in abusive relationships and can’t break free.
Men, it may be “sport” to you to see how many women you can bed. You may not be ready for a long term commitment. You may be sowing your wild oats. Hey, that’s fine. But please have the integrity, character and courage to let a woman know up front where you are coming from. Each time a woman has sex with a man, she is giving a part of herself away. Women are taught from a young age to respect their sexuality and not to give it away. Please be respectful of a woman’s heart and soul. You may look at sex as just sex and fun and getting off; but most women see it as intimacy that emotionally bonds them to a man and they feel confused, hurt and betrayed when a guy sees it as a one night stand or just hooking up for some fun.
I encourage honest communication between men and women about this issue. It is one thing women get hurt over and complain about frequently regarding men’s behavior.
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