The cougar — A female homo sapien mammal, late 30s to 55 years old, known to prey on younger males, never older than 25.
Physical characteristics: The cougar has distinct markings that include leopard print, fluorescent pink and push-up bras. The cougar has a slender, muscular and agile body, ideal for stalking and ambushing. The traditional cougar has long, painted claws, and she looks about 15 years younger than she is. She bathes in self-tanning lotion and hibernates in a tanning bed.
Okay, when I read this piece I could feel my blood starting to boil. But that’s a good thing because it makes me even more dedicated to changing this uneducated image of woman over 40. What really got to me was it was written by a 28 year old woman. This only goes to prove what I’ve always said, women are harder on each other than any man could ever be. The only way to change the attitude is to prove how fabulous The Real Cougar Woman really is and to support each other. Sorry for interrupting. Continue reading if you can stand it.
The mountain lion is another subcategory of the cougar, distinguishable not by behavior but purely by appearance. The mountain lion features overly tanned skin of a leather and/or tree bark consistency and highly processed hair that is either significantly longer or significantly poofier than other females of her age. From a distance, the mountain lion camouflages with the college crowd and the "pumas" (cougars-in-training). But upon closer observation, you will notice that although the face is flawless beneath the Botox, foundation and clothespins, you can count the age rings on the below-hanging neck, much like you can count the rings in a tree stump.
"Cougar hunters" must take extra precaution not to confuse a mountain lion with a cougar, or the end result could be catastrophic.
Habitat: During the day, cougars are found in one of two extremes: In an executive business position or as a stay-at-home wife. At night, this largely nocturnal animal flocks to nightclubs, "lounges," hotel bars and, apparently, concerts by rock stars of yesteryear. The cougar thrives in dim lighting.
Demeanor: Determined, goal-oriented, independent, quick and noncommittal. Cougars are also wise and highly skilled in the hunt. A cougar also knows every word to the Bon Jovi songs pre-1990, but stands stunned at the newer music. Despite the cougar’s trendy attire, modern pop-culture trivia is the surest way to unearth a cougar’s true genetic age.
Diet: Rose zinfandel, gin and tonic and lettuce.
Popularity: The cougar population seems to be growing, possibly following in the stilettos of Samantha Jones of "Sex and the City." Famous cougars include Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon and Naomi Watts. The term "cougar" has also appeared on shows such as "30 Rock" and in the movie "Ocean’s Thirteen." There was also last year’s NBC reality dating show "Age of Love," which pitted so-called kittens in their 20s against cougars in their 40s.
At the concert on Monday, I began noticing the proliferation of cougars as far away from the Pepsi Center as Interstate 25 and Park Avenue. Cigarette smoke billowed from the windows of Cadillacs, driven by women in oversized sunglasses and faux fur coats.
Inside the venue, I found more tall bangs, hoop earrings, skin-tight jeans and leather jackets. One woman even sported fingerless leather gloves, revealing her blood-red nails, sharpened for the hunt.
It was as if I had discovered Colorado’s most prominent cougar nest. No, more like cougar continent. There must have been thousands of them, all buzzing and circling and bumping into one another like they were caught in a mosh pit. Which they were.
At first, I felt scared. But then I looked down at my own claws: blood red, accented by fingerless gloves. My fear melted into amusement as I gave myself a looky-loo. Tall bangs. Tight jeans. Leopard print and bright pink. And what was all of this "new" Bon Jovi music? All I wanted to hear was "Bad Medicine."
But alas, at only 28, I knew I was safe from cougar-hood.
Now you know what Real Cougars are up against.