Leaving The Relationship First – Someone Has To

 By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

The more I listen to people, the more I learn. In fact, I learn more by listening than I do by talking. No surprise there. But what is surprising is that I hear a common refrain from both men and women about leaving a relationship.They want to leave but are waiting for the other person to make the first move.

They are actually hoping the other will make some grand, unforgivable relationship faux pas so they can justify breaking up, as opposed to just initiating “the talk” with their partner and calling it quits.

Another thing I hear people doing is picking ridiculous fights with their partner or purposely doing something to annoy or tick the other person off. They are provoking conflict so they can justify a break up and blame it on the other person or at the very least absolve them from any “guilt” about leaving. This almost always results in ill will and damaged egos and bruised feelings. You don’t need to justify why you want out. The fact that you want out is justification enough.

If breaking up is what someone truly wants to do, then just do it. Don’t cause a rift. Don’t pick a fight. Don’t blame, shame or guilt the other person. Do the break up cleanly, with integrity and by taking the high road. You don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond,”This just no longer works for me and I am moving on with my life. I wish you the best.”

If you aren’t happy with your relationship and you know there is no potential for a future with your partner, you are doing both of you a favor by moving on. Time is a precious commodity we can’t afford to waste and we can never get it back. Empower yourself by moving forward and find the love you are looking for. Learn from your current situation by making a fair and impartial assessment of the dynamics that did and did not work and improve yourself to attract what it is you truly want.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

 

 

Does Cheating Ever Work Out?

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

 

Back in my grandparents’ era, divorce was relatively uncommon. Women had fewer choices then and fewer financial resources. “Divorce” and “adultery” were dirty words only whispered.  Most wives looked the other way. There was not any No Fault Divorce on the books, so one had to prove adultery or cruelty, which brought even more whispers and shame from the community.

Flash forward to the ‘60’s and women’s struggle for civil rights, equal pay for equal work and sexual freedom. Increased financial resources meant women didn’t have to put up with infidelity any more; they could now take care of themselves.

Nowadays, almost as many married women as men are cheating. The “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” is alive…but is it well…for relationships, that is. Celebrities do it. Politicians do it. Now Middle America is doing it. But I have to believe it is taking its toll on relationships and perhaps people are not really focused on the gravity of the marriage commitment so much when they think,”If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce, or find someone on the side.”

I also have to believe, there are those of us out there who still believe in the integrity of the institution of marriage. Just this week, a young man whom I have known for a few years texted and asked me to have an affair with him. “Aren’t you married?” I asked him. “And don’t you have a young child with your wife?”

Here is the rest of the conversation:

Him: You know you want to see me. I really want to see you.

Me: There is no potential upside for me to see you.  And it would not be fair to your wife or your son. I am sorry you chose to marry a woman with whom you now say you don’t love and don’t feel sexually compatible, but you made that choice and now you have a child with her.

Him: Do you want to see me or do you just want to tear me apart?

Me: I don’t break up marriages or families and I don’t help married men cheat. I have integrity and ethics about that.

Him: OK. I get it. How about we meet just for coffee? We can be friends. Good friends.

Me: Frankly, I don’t associate with liars and cheaters.

Him: You know you want to see me. We had such great chemistry together once. Let’s see if it’s still there.

Me: There is no future for us either romantically or as friends. I hope you focus instead on your relationship with your wife and son.

Afterwards, it occurred to me if women didn’t cheat with married men (and vice versa) then the rate of infidelity would go drastically down.  People would think hard about making a marriage commitment and work harder at making better choices and working on the relationship.

 

Men cheat because we LET them cheat. Maybe wives don’t give them permission to do it, but it makes it easier if other women make ourselves available. I happen to believe I am worth more than being the “other woman.”  A LOT more. Think of it this way: Would YOU want some woman helping your husband or partner cheat on you? 

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Soul Mate Search Hinders True Love

By Linda Franklin

According to the myth, soul mates not only have a deep connection, but love and accept everything about each other. Being soul mates with someone implies you have similar tastes and interests, and love doing everything together.

Last year I wrote a blog Soul Mates Are Not Who You Think They Are.  I don’t believe in soul mates and I never have.  

Single women worry there is something wrong with them because they can’t find their soul mate, and married women question whether one nasty argument means her husband isn’t her soul mate after all. But what does the term really mean?

The inference is that once you find your soul mate, there are no fights, and you will be unquestionably accepted for who you are. No wonder everyone wants one — particularly this generation, many of whom had a front-row seat for their parents’ divorce.

Instead of worrying about the heady connection with a so-called soul mate, people should focus on what really counts.  Falling in love is easy – staying in love is where the challenge really lies.

Here are a few relationship skills that really hold two people together. 

• Managing to argue while being respectful of each other’s opinions and finding a compromise
• Being open and upfront about feelings; and listening without interrupting or making assumptions – call it mind reading
• Couples needs their space. Time apart, separate interests and knowing there is always something more to discover about your partner promotes intrigue, excitement and desire

Being different should also be regarded as an asset — not a problem — as each partner brings added dimension to the relationship.

Finally, relationships need strength of character as much as a deep connection.  You cannot feel defeated by the first piece of adversity that comes your way.  Overcoming problems together, as a unit, really binds people together.

Rating our relationships on how connected we feel is making us miserable, and leaving us helpless when something goes wrong.

So, do yourself a favor.  Get your head out of the clouds and banish the word ‘soul mate’ from your vocabulary.  From now on focus on improving relationship skills and accepting the differences. 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.