From the time we are girls we are taught to massage the male ego, not with simply telling the male species how terrific they are, but hesitating to speak the truth because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. We learned early on that could cause them to feel uncomfortable or imperfect.
This same dynamic is hurting a lot of women when it comes to their own sexual satisfaction. A woman who feels she is a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” in the bedroom because she is afraid that the man will be shocked, upset or disappointed.
We know we should speak up about what we want and need sexually, but until more women are willing to do that, there are a number of things that men should know about.
Here’s the shortlist:
Sex or Porn – We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno. Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants – especially the women. In real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold. Of course, we feel men already know this but would rather not bring it to their attention.
Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.
We know the path to orgasm Are you trying everything but nothing works to get her there? There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, but is afraid to say so. She might feel what she needs isn’t something you’ll like so she won’t ask. It’s important to talk about this – but not in the middle of a sexual encounter. Wait until the opportunity arises and then be open to hearing what really turns her on.
Women who have trouble achieving orgasm still enjoy sex but might avoid it because they fear disappointing their partner. They dread the endless attempts to make orgasm happen. So, when you’re having that talk explaining that you’re not going to freak out if she starts speaking up about her needs. Tell her she’s not being judged on her orgasmic skills and she doesn’t have to be the star everytime you have sex.
Women don’t like to fake orgasms, but pretty much all women turn the volume up on the ones they do have, because they know you like it. This isn’t lying, but embellishment, and it would be nice if men returned the favor. Sex is no time for masculine stoicism. A little verbal appreciation in the form of moaning and groaning makes a nice two-way street.
Err on the gentle side Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so a gentle touch is appreciated. Pushing, pulling and excessive banging not the way to go. Men who dive at a woman’s genitals with their mouths might be appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique. Pressure can be added as needed, but the shock to the system of having someone overdo it can be a major turnoff.
Obviously, every woman is different, and even with these most general of guidelines, you’ll find dissenters. Communication between partners is the ideal. But have some sympathy on women who haven’t read enough self-help books or seen enough therapists to overcome their fear of speaking up.
You might find that having patience and understanding will make it easier to draw them out over the long run. To encourage more communication, don’t make faces or act like your ego is hurt when women do push themselves to speak up. It likely took a lot of courage so a little appreciation goes a long way.
The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.