From MUCH ADO ABOUT LOVING by Jack Murnighan and Maura Kelly. Reprinted by permission of Free Press, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Arm in arm, legs entwined, sweat beading on the marmoreal perfection of the human form, the dance of love just brought to its exquisite denouement, the Marlboro smoked, the snifter sipped dry, and now…
It’s a dangerous time to speak. Post-amour, everyone is vulnerable, the defenses have been laid bare, and any utterance can be taken to have more meaning than intended. How many times have I said some- thing I thought innocent—or even complimentary—only to have it heard by my beloved as something along the lines of “I wish you would turn into a pizza.”
To see how this plays out in literature, we need only turn to one of the saucier of all highbrow novels, Lady Chatterley’s Lover. There’s enough sex in Lawrence’s scandalous masterwork that I could find ten—yes, ten—things said after sex that you really wouldn’t want to say today. Some are said by men, some are said by women, but both sexes should avoid pretty much all of them.
So without further ado, and in the order in which they appear in the book, here they go:
1. Don’t complain about the timing of someone’s orgasm (or how they got there.
2. Never ask if your lover regrets the sex you just had.
3. Discussing your socioeconomic differences isn’t sexy—or practical.
4. Do not allude, however vaguely, to your past lovers or experience.
5. Do not mention love to your no-strings-attached lover.
6. Post-coitus, don’t ever ask if he or she loves you.
7. Never, under any circumstances, use the “c” word.
8. Tread with caution when talking about his penis.
9. Do not raise the issue of cohabitation out of the blue.
10. Watch what you say about your lover’s body.
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