Six Ways to Keep Money from Sabotaging Your Next Marriage

by Terri Orbuch PhD

Money is more worrisome to newlyweds as a source of conflict than any other topic or concern. In second or third marriages or serious relationships, however, partners are so gun-shy about sharing bank accounts and expenses that a majority of them simply don’t.

That’s one of the surprising findings from my landmark study of hundreds of married and divorced individuals, which has been ongoing for more than 25 years.

You can find love again after a serious relationship or marriage has ended. And when you do, here are some ways to keep money from straining your new love partnership.

1. Acquire a new money vocabulary.
Examine your past–how your parents dealt with money, what money meant to you growing up, and how you dealt with money in your former relationship. Look for patterns in how you think and talk about money. For example, “I can’t catch up,” or “I’m afraid I won’t have enough,” or “I can’t stick to a budget.” Try to change your typical money vocabulary into more positive action statements. So, “I can’t catch up” becomes “It’s time to get control over my finances.”

2. Think like the opposite sex.
One of the reasons money is a source of conflict in marriage is that men and women view and interact with money differently. Studies show that women tend to see money as a sign of security. They like to save for emergencies and they become worried when financial problems arise. Men, on the other hand, take more risks with money and see money issues as a threat to their self-esteem. Try to understand the role of money in your partner’s life so you can meet differences with compassion rather than anger.X

3. Keep money matters simple the second time around.
In my study, almost 6 out of 10 divorced singles (57%) who are now in healthy new relationships don’t share living expenses with their partner. Many recognized that shared bank accounts and expenses weren’t worth the trouble, so they keep these separate in their new partnership. They discover that with kids and property from previous marriages, money matters can become unnecessarily complicated in second marriages.

4. Toss out assumptions; ask questions instead.
Don’t assume your partner wants to split everything 50/50, even if he or she did this in a previous relationship. And don’t assume that you understand how your partner feels about money. Instead, have a dialogue with each other and talk about what money represents. Listen carefully to your partner’s answers to see if there are deeper, older issues going on that have been unresolved.

5. Share financial knowledge and decisions.
Money is such a hot-button topic that 49% of those who divorce and remarry in my study still worry that money will become a monster issue in their new relationship. Even if you keep your money in separate accounts, studies show that couples have less tension when they each weigh in on big financial decisions. It is also essential that you know about each other’s assets, debts, retirement plans, and large purchases. Secrecy or lying about money, incidentally, is perceived as a betrayal of trust–similar, emotionally, to an affair.

6. Get off to a new money start.
My research shows that in the early years of a relationship, money is the number one source of conflict. You’ve learned a lot from the mistakes and missteps in your previous marriage. In addition to all the other new, healthy behaviors you intend to try this time around, make money honesty and money openness one of them. Talk often about each other’s money so that it becomes routine. Come to agreements about spending. Set ground rules and expectations that will help you avoid conflict about money later on.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Sexual Friendships Sans The Sex

by Linda Franklin – The Real Cougar Woman

Sexual attraction is a powerful thing.  From the moment your eyes meet, you feel that undeniable spark. You tingle with excitement and immediately reconnect with how much you love that sexual energy rush. It's been too long since your body reacted in such a powerful way to another person.  But, then reality hits – you're married and are commited to remaining faithful.  So what do you do?

You wonder if it's possible to have ahighly charged flirtatious friendship with a work colleague, a neighbor or even a friend's spouse if it never extends beyond the bedroom door?  What if there was a way of sharing many of the things that make a romance exciting — flirting, positive reinforcement, compliments, desire — without messing it all up by leaping into bed together? 

Real Cougar’s 12 Secrets For Keeping Love Alive

by Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

Cougar women are inventive, energetic and fun loving.  It’s really no surprise that we have learned how to keep love alive in a relationship.

Learning from my own experiences and those of couples I have worked with, I have 12 secrets on how to keep the flames of amour burning.

1) Be accepting. Allow the other person to have rights to their own feelings/emotions. Don’t try to tell someone how they “should” feel about something. It is important not to dismiss, deny or diminish the feelings of another, even if you don’t agree. 

Semi-Happy Marriages – Stuck In The Middle

by Linda Franklin – The Real Cougar Woman

Modern marriage seems to exist in many states. There are those that are blissfully happy and content, and those that have broken down so irretrievably that they are headed for the divorce courts.

Then there are couplings that fall into the category of ’semi-happy  marriages’. These are the unions where couples coast along in affectionate but passionless relationships – their situation not bad enough to want out, not good enough to bring real joy.

When author Pamela Haag began feeling disenchanted with her own marriage, she decided to talk to other couples, and found that nearly all of them admitted to being disappointed with how married life had panned out for them.  She then sat down and wrote a book Marriage Confidential in which she points out that marriage falls into one of five categories. Sadly, none of them are what we go into marriage dreaming about.

Real Cougar Tips For A Long Term Relationship

In this day and age, when women 50+ are the largest demographic initiating divorce, remember there are couples who do make it through.  My husband and I have many rocky patches in our relationship but both of us feel we are better together than we would be apart.  That’s an important consideration and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  

When you are with a spouse that shows you he cares, that makes you feel like you are not alone, you’re fortunate. Both men and women want to feel like they matter. We all need that especially when the going gets rough.  Knowing there is someone there to support you, no matter what, means everything.   

As part of long term relationship that started almost four decades ago, I’ve learned a few things about what it takes to go the distance.  Here are a few tips I want to share with you.

1. Give more than you expect to receive back. The trick to this, and what saves me from the wrath of the goddesses of feminism, is that this is a two-way street.  This not only goes for you, but for your husband, too.  If you are both giving more than your “fair share”, the marriage has half a chance of succeeding.
2. Knock. You live together in the same house, but you still need boundaries.  Everybody can use some privacy now and then, and common courtesies that you can depend upon.  Both of us knock on a closed door and wait to be invited in.  It’s usually not really necessary, but it speaks loud and clear:  you are you and I am I, and I respect your right to protect your sacred sanctorum.
3. Cultivate a short memory.  Forgive quickly and don’t hold grudges.  It’s a hard lesson to learn but the payoff is worth the effort.
4. Two Independent People That Share A Life Together.  Be independent.  Both of you do the things that make you happy apart and then come together to share the things you love to do as a couple. Two happy people equals one happy couple.

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship that worked please share your secrets.   

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

George Clooney & Other Commitment Phobes

Just days after George Clooney’s girlfriend, told an Italian magazine she wanted marriage and children, her beau appears to have run away.

Meanwhile, Hollywood actor Owen Wilson is said to have split from Jade Duell, the mother of his five-month-old son, reportedly because, at the age of 42, he’s ‘not ready to commit’.

Men like Wilson and Clooney maintain control over every aspect of their life. Their work, time with their friends and interests are all carefully factored in.  So when a woman’s feelings start running too deep or a baby demands too much of their time, they no longer fit neatly with his expectations.

The Real Cougar Woman – Linda Franklin Knows Sex After 50 Is Fabulous

 
The Real Cougar Woman, knows sex after 50 is fabulous.  In fact, a good roll in the hay is the most fun two people can have. 

So when I read a report that confirmed what I have always known, I smiled.  It said, that men and  women in their 50s rate sex more highly than those in their 30s. 

Fran Drescher – Happily Divorced by Linda Franklin The Real Cougar Woman

Linda Franklin, The Real Cougar Woman loves Fran Drescher and she is back in a new series tonight on TV Land.  I must have watched every episode of The Nanny a gazillion times, so I am hoping Fran's new show is a big hit. Happily Divorced is based on Fran's own life experience and she says this is how the show was conceived.

“When TV Land asked me to meet with them about developing a new television series, I came with a bunch of ideas. And they said, ‘What would be an idea if you were to star in it?’ — which is not what I was thinking when I took the meeting. And I said, ‘Oh, well that’s easy. It would have to be the story of how my gay ex-husband and I have become best friends, and he helps me, you know, with my relationship problems with my boyfriends.’ And I said, ‘Now, do you wanna hear the shows that I brought?’ And they said, ‘Why? We just bought that one.’ So that was the beginning of ‘Happily Divorced.’ And I called Peter immediately and said, ‘I just sold an idea, and I want you to be my partner on it.”

So basically it's your average relationship story  – boy meets girl,  they marry, he turns out to be gay, they divorce but he can’t afford to move out, so…they still live together while BOTH re-entering the dating pools.  Make sense?

Here's a preview.  

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:video:tvland.com:43048

Happily Divorced

Cougar Women Come In Many Different Varieties

I was watching an online video of a recent Cougar convention in Northern California. The attendees, younger men and older women were being interviewed as they danced the night away. The women were unified about why  they sought out younger men. There was no new news about that. Then, one Cougar said, "And the young men don't have to worry about putting a ring on it."
 

Excuse me? I hope she was only speaking for herself and not making a blanket statement about what ALL Cougar women want.

Menopause And How It Affects Your Man

Menopause is a time of profound change for women, both physically and emotionally. But what about the husbands and partners we share our lives with? How are the changes we are going through affecting them?

It’s a subject that touches millions, but is rarely spoken about. Until now. In her new book, Sex, Meaning and The Menopause, psychotherapist Sue Brayne persuaded a group of men, all married to women who were going, or had gone, through menopause, to open up about their experiences.

Their stories show how menopause can cut right to the heart of a man’s sense of masculinity.

Women have each other to talk to or pick up the pieces when our worlds fall apart. But men don’t have that innate capacity. They may mumble to their friends about something that’s bothering them, but it’s rarely an open or honest conversation.