Cougar Confessions – Dating Men Half My Age

by Linda Franklin

I was surfing the net and came across this article on how one Cougar Woman comes to peace with her sexuality.   I love it and thank you Your Tango  for publishing it.  It just may help a lot of women enjoy an exiting time in their lives without feeling the guilt or shame that society attaches to the older woman – younger man coupling.

I’m not what you’d call an incredibly sexual person. Not anymore, anyway. I’m still interested, mind you. I just have very specific preferences when it comes to sex. I’m in my fifties now (and hopefully wiser for the wear), so I no longer have the frisky energy of a younger woman. When I was young and hungry for sex, the world was my playground. I was out to conquer and be conquered. Age puts perspective on things.

In fact, it’s that very lack of desperation that’s freed me, sexually speaking. Having come to terms with the mature woman that I’ve become, I’m finally in touch with what I want. And what I want is younger men.

Fortunately, younger men seem to gravitate toward me, and I often find myself on the receiving end of some very flattering sexual attention. When I first noticed this phenomenon, I thought, Nah, what could these young dudes be seeing in me? I must be reading into it. Recently, a lovely man of about 23 approached me. He could hardly catch his breath while telling me how beautiful he thought I was. I laughed in his face. In my mind I looked more like an exhumed corpse than an object of lust on that bright (very bright) afternoon.

As he reached out to touch my bare arm in what became a seductively overt caress, I realized this guy was serious. And I must admit, it was an incredible turn on. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, still laughing. Did I really want to pursue this, or was this just a perfect moment unto itself? Either way, his attention thrilled me.

Apparently, I thrilled him too. In his eyes I could see the sincerity of his request; he really wanted me. It was exhilarating to be desired by such a young man. I woke up to the realization that, no, he wasn’t into the walking dead; he was interested in the woman that I sometimes forget I am. In our brief encounter, he made me feel young again. When I allowed myself to fantasize for a moment about this coming to fruition, I felt energized and beautiful in a way I hadn’t in years.

Of course, the road that led me here wasn’t a linear one. You’ve heard of the wisdom of age? Well, it’s yours to have, but the price is harsh: you have to survive your forties. If you can make it to 50, you can probably assume the worst is over. By then, all of your stupidest moves are behind you, you’ve raised as much hell as you’re ever going to and you’ve gotten your divorces out of the way. You’ve died hard and lived to tell. You got to watch your body unravel while your mind kept thinking it was 20. When women catch glimpses of their mothers in their own reflection, it’s not necessarily a good day. I spent my forties going insane.

I woke up in my fifties and suddenly — like some kind of hormonal wipeout — everything was fine. I had a clear vision: This is my one and only life; joy is wherever I find it. And I find it in writing, in being a successful single mom, and occasionally, I find it in surprisingly hot flirtations with men half my age.

The first man I ever fell in love with was in his twenties, and he was indeed the poster boy for what I considered to be perfect male beauty. I’ll never forget his soft face and flowing hair. The connection we had was strong and sexual. Memories of him will resonate with me forever. In my mind, I’m still that young woman. He’s still the type of man I prefer, all these years later.

So, the question really is: Do I actually sleep with any of these younger men who fawn over me?

Do I dare answer? The truth is, just knowing that they’re interested is a greater thrill for me than the act itself. 

This is not a new game. Young men have loved older women since the beginning of time, and women have adored the attention for just as long. Unlike our younger counterparts, experienced women are not attached to a future. There is no plan, no scheme, no agenda that might push a man away. No one’s putting a ring on it, and the biological clock isn’t ticking. In short, there’s no desperation. The sensual ‘cougar’ is a magnet for youthful male attention because she doesn’t want anything from him but his beauty, which is a huge ego trip for him and something he can deliver without much pressure.

For a young man, the older woman is the ultimate fantasy: she’s so out of his league, and while it intimidates him, it’s also incredibly erotic. Even though he senses that she is enthralled with the power he brings, the young man who craves the sexual attention of an older woman is brave, because she really does know more than him.

To know that in my fifties, I can still make a 23-year-old man tremble with a desire to please me … well, that sure does make me smile. Healthy lust is life-affirming and human sexual connection can be magical. Even the briefest of encounters can add years to our lives — and isn’t that what we’re all searching for?

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Aging Youthfully Is Our Choice

by Linda Franklin

We are all aging and that’s something we can do nothing about.  But, what we do have control over is how we age.

Aging youthfully is our choice.  In fact, lifestyle choices account for 33 percent of how old a woman looks.  Living an unhealthy lifestyle can age a woman’s skin by over ten years, an in-depth international study has just revealed.

The true damage caused by sun beds, smoking, not moisturizing your skin, and not eating enough fruit can accelerate the aging process – not by a little but by a lot.

Dr. Andrew Mayes, who led the study for Simple skin care, said: ‘We already knew genetics accounted for about 50 per cent of how old people look, but we didn’t know how much would be accounted for by their lifestyles.

‘Even we were surprised by just how much it was; both in terms of the number of years and the percentage.’

The study which was carried out over the last eight years involved women aged 45 to 75 in the UK, Spain and China.

Those who took part were asked a string of questions about their lifestyles including whether or not they liked to sun tan and if they were smokers or non-smokers.

Other questions included how often the women used moisturizer, whether they eat fruit and vegetables, how often they brush their teeth and if they have all their own teeth.

The research team also took digital images of the women which were then assessed for how old they looked to identify their perceived age and whether they looked younger or older than their actual age.

When they got their data the research team compared the perceived ages of those with good versus bad lifestyles.

They concluded the difference was 10.4 years. Dr. Mayes said, “The number of years’ difference was most staggering.  We had just seen some data out of a group of plastic surgeons in the US and Canada suggesting that a face and neck lift (together with eyelid and forehead modifications) could take an average of about 8.5 years off your facial age.

‘Then we got our data through demonstrating a saving of over 10 years. It’s fair to say at first we couldn’t quite believe it”.

‘Simply put; good skin health is about more than fancy creams and lotions – it’s about how we live our lives and how we treat our bodies and the steps we need to take do not need to be extreme.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Older Woman A Bonus For Younger Men

by Linda Franklin

It makes sense that an older woman is a turn on for a younger man.  Here’s why:

Greedy Wife Leaving Husbands With Nothing

by Linda Franklin

Divorce is an ugly business!  Nobody wins!  Wives are left hurt and looking for revenge and many husbands are forced to leave a house and children to live in a  furnished studio apartment.

Women seem to be  living by the principle of ‘don’t get mad, get everything’. And often, they go on getting everything for years, long after time has been called on their marriage.

In these days of equal education,  opportunities and access to professional careers, women are still expecting (and receiving) huge and continuing settlements when a marriage  ends.

I consider myself an advocate for women,  but I don’t see why today’s divorcing women should expect any kind of settlement at all.

If modern marriage is an equal  partnership, divorce should be the same, surely, with both parties getting out what they have put in, as when any other type of contract ends.

Yet modern women are still positioning  themselves as the weaker of the two sexes having to be kept by a big strong man, whether married or divorced. We have fought for equality, and many battles have been won, but divorcing women are still portraying pathetic little housewives unable to fend for themselves, before ruthlessly fleecing the men  they once professed to love.

Want to secure a juicy settlement?  Based on the Heather Mills principle, have a kid.   The presence of a child will ensure generous maintenance payments for years, maybe decades, to come.

It’s easy for an attractive woman to use her  charm and wiles to entrap a rich man, all the time calculating the cash they  receive when they can call time on the marriage. Why can’t they women give that kind of forethought into developing careers and financial independence rather than  sponging off someone else?

The bulk of women are married to ordinary earners and they too can be set up for years with the house, car, custody of children and a regular lump  sum in their accounts.

Some divorcees are reluctant to remarry, in case they kill the goose that lays the golden egg — maintenance usually stops when you have another husband to support you — so they are content with boyfriends and lovers.

When a wife has been brutally dumped, there might be greater grounds for sympathy. But these days, an estimated 70 per cent of  divorces are brought by women. What are these women being paid for, when no  longer married?

One woman, let’s call her Jane, was married for about 20  years when she decided she wanted a divorce. There were no particular  grounds, and no one else was involved. Both parties got a lawyer, and Jane was awarded 85 per cent of the joint assets. There were no children and she had never worked.

In 2013, women who demand everything and expect maintenance forever after, should hang their heads in shame.  We must prove to ourselves that we are not simpering victims, but proud, strong and, above all, financially independent females.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Intimacy Begins With Your Ability To Be Alone

By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP

While the definition of intimacy may vary depending on the relationship, it is generally felt to be the “ authentic” connection between two people. As such, the connection reflects a mutuality of loving feelings shared and expressed in thought, affect and behavior.

Less discussed and perhaps surprising, is the importance of the “capacity to be alone” in establishing true intimacy.

What Is The “Capacity To Be Alone?”

• Originally coined by the British pediatrician/psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, the “capacity to be alone” refers to the development of individuality that starts with the infant’s ability to be alone in the presence of the mother.
• It is the child’s ability to move from the sense of the mother’s compassionate, comforting and loving presence, to his/her ability to hold on to her presence, even when alone.
• This internalized sense of the comforting mother develops into the psychological capacity to regulate anxiety, self-soothe, and experience a true authentic self. In essence, this is the capacity to be alone.

Why Is This an Asset To Intimacy?

• True intimacy starts with a comfort in your own sense of self.  If you like yourself and feel comfortable, you will be able to relate in a real and genuine way with another person.

You won’t have to be what someone else wants or needs you to be.

• True intimacy is possible when you have the “capacity to be alone” because it implies choice. You may want to be with someone. You don’t have to be with someone because you fear that being alone leaves you without stability or value.

You don’t have to cling to someone to avoid abandonment or avoid someone for fear of rejection.

• True intimacy is possible when there is psychological separation or room for partners to come and go from each other physically and psychologically.

• Couples often report that when they are apart from each other during the course of the day, they think more positively and romantically about each other than at any other time.

Neurochemistry supports this idea with findings that separation actually revs up dopamine and epinephrine, the hormones associated with sexual desire.

Do You Have The Capacity To Be Alone? Does Your Partner?

Most self-growth starts with self-reflection that leads to self-awareness.

The following list is a translation of the “capacity to be alone” into thoughts, feelings and behaviors that occur in the day-to-day lives of partners. They may be with considering.

If you have the “capacity to be alone”….

• You can have an intimate relationship with a partner without feeling you have jeopardized your parents’ love.
• You can tolerate your partner’s relationship with his/her family.
• You value your independence but you are not threatened by the reality that you and your partner also depend on each other.
• You enjoy spending time with your partner and others; but you also value your solitude.
• You are not jealous if your partner enjoys time with his/her friends.
• You can tolerate your partner’s having a difference of opinion from yours.
• You can agree to follow your partner’s opinion without fear of being controlled.
• You can negotiate a mutual solution in a way that balances needs and dreams.
• You are able to recognize that as separate people you and your partner may be preoccupied with things that have nothing to do with the other—and need not be taken personally.
• Given that you are individuals as well as partners, you don’t hold the other responsible for knowing what you need without communicating it in some way.
• Given that you are partners as well as individuals, you take pride in knowing your partner in ways that others don’t—without presuming to know all.
• You can hold on to the connection with your partner even if you are not physically together.
• You can make a sexual overture without fearing rejection.
• You don’t need you or your partner to be perfect in order to have a sense of self-worth.
• You can say “ No” to your partner without fear of reprisal or rejection.
• You don’t need the world to love your partner—because you love your partner.
• You can risk being angry with your partner.
• You can recover from a fight or argument with your partner without “ winning” or “ blaming.”
• You can own your part in a problem or your mistake without a blow to your self-esteem.
• You can tolerate the temporary disconnect that comes from arguing with your partner without fearing that the relationship will be over or the love will be lost.
• You can apologize.
• You can forgive.
• You feel a personal sense of worth although you greatly treasure your partner’s affirmation.
• You are not afraid that asking for or receiving your partner’s help will compromise your self-esteem.
• You feel pride and confidence in face of your partner’s plans to achieve personal goals without fear of being overlooked or left behind.
• You don’t need your partner to want to do whatever you are doing, whenever you are doing it.
• You can comfortably enjoy the benefits and balance of the You-We-Me in your relationship.
• You never believe that a partner who is out of sight is out of love with you.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Older Husbands Are An Asset To Ambitious Women

by Linda Franklin

We’ve all heard that behind every great man is a great woman.  But does that same theory work in reverse?

According to Xerox CEO Ursula Burns, it does.  In fact, she says the ‘secret’ of her success was marrying a man 20 years older than her.

Burns’s husband Lloyd Bean also worked for Xerox as a scientist and researcher, but she was the real star. The engineering hotshot started as a summer intern at Xerox and rose rapidly through the ranks to become the first African-American female CEO.

It seems that Burns, who was known for challenging conventional wisdom at work, wasn’t afraid to do the same in her personal life. She saw her husband’s age as an advantage instead of an obstacle because, according to The Wall Street Journal, he ‘had already gone through this ‘growing up’ stuff.

Of course there are always issues in any relationship, but older men are biologically wired to be more nurturing. As someone raised by a single mom in a Lower East Side housing project, this was undoubtedly an important quality to Burns.

Other high-profile females have spoken out about the importance of choosing the right partner. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has openly praised her husband’s willingness to split childcare and housework.

And for some power couples like Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman, whose neurosurgeon husband Griffith Harsh IV moved from Harvard to California when she became CEO of eBay, the secret seems to be prioritizing and compromise.

So for ambitious women, it seems that the most important factor isn’t a partner’s age. It’s his attitude.

Most successful people have learned the importance of picking the right person on the job. But since relationships can build us up or tear us down every day, the most important member of the team is the one waiting for us at home.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Middle Age Sexy Is The Best

by Linda Franklin

It seems that scarcely a day passes without seeing a survey on some aspect of the middle-aged female experience. Maybe we should feel grateful, because according to one of the surveys I read, pollsters are the only people who find ladies of a certain age even slightly interesting.

This is a sad commentary, but unfortunately it’s true.  Of 2,000 women who were surveyed, most agreed that 46 is the age that they become invisible to men.. 

The good news (according to this survey) is that by the time we get to 60 we start feeling better. That’s the good news????  How about the 14 years we are sitting crying in our beer?  If we’re smart, and I know we are, we won’t let that happen.  We will appreciate who we are, the woman we have grown into at any age we happen to be.

None of us can turn back the clock.  In my middle 40′s, I believed I could.   I was wrong.   I had to figure out for myself, and we all do, how to hold onto your sexy and that fire in your belly.

Here’s a couple of tips I’ll pass on to you if you’re feeling blue because of our age:

• Play up your assets – now it’s time to do what feels good to you  - it’s your turn
• Stop Listening to the naysayers who say life is over at 50
• Don’t hold on to relationships that no longer nurture your soul
• Change your look – go from just OK to sexy sophisticated
• Take a risk – get out of your head – say screw you to the fear  - and watch what happens

We are powerful, fabulous females and even though we may have to play up different assets as we go through the decades, our confidence, our sexy, and appreciation of life will shine through.  Your passion for life will be recognized.

I am convinced that middle-aged women of today are creating another template for aging and it’s not what the pollsters are telling us.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Hair Hair Everywhere And It’s Not Yours

by Linda Franklin

More and more women are turning to false hair pieces to enhance their look.  It’s fast, it’s easy and for the most part it looks just like your own locks.

All the celebs wear them and the women you see everyday do too.  It’s fast and its easy when you are in a rush and don’t have time to wash, dry and style.

“It’s not necessarily about poor quality hair — it’s actually about time,” said Peter Gray, a New York editorial and commercial hairstylist.  Human-hair wigs (the gold standard of wigdom) are part of Mr. Gray’s regular bag of tricks for photo shoots and fashion shows. They can provide a new look in an instant, without commitment or damage. They can be washed and styled with regular products and lengthened with extensions. “They’ve become so high quality, you can stand a foot away from someone with a wig on and not be able to tell,” he said.

Human hair wigs are expensive but you do have choices.  I personally like the synthetic versions, because unlike real hair they don’t react to humidity and they are affordable.  You can experiment without breaking the bank.  Just yesterday I ordered a phony pony and a messy bun – getting ready for the summer.  This way I can cut my own hair and still have he flexibility of other fun styles.

Try one – it just might set you free.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Women Who Are Self Abusers

by Linda Franklin

Women are incredibly hard on themselves.  We don’t seem to comprehend that all that second guessing or picking apart every flaw we see in the mirror, is abuse. That self-inflicting feeling of not being enough is hard on us and causes all kinds of repercussions.

Research shows that women are generally kinder, more nurturing and empathetic than our male counterparts, but at the same time, we’re meaner, more dismissive, and critical of ourselves.  What does that say about us?

Low self-esteem is a killer. The need to see ourselves as worthy puts incredible pressure on our psyche.  It’s like walking around with a 100 pound weight on each shoulder.  This notion of perfection, isn’t realistic yet for some reason feel it’s very real.

Our sense of self-worth goes up and down like a yo-yo in lockstep with our latest success or failure. We get an incredible high when we receive a nice complement, but feel like jumping off a bridge when someone ignores us or — worse — criticizes us.  We may say we don’t care what others think but inside where it counts our stomach is in knots.

Study after study shows that women who are self-compassionate are much less depressed, anxious and stressed, as well as happier, more confident, and satisfied with their lives, than their harshly self-critical counterparts.

But what does self-compassion mean exactly? The concept stems from Buddhist traditions that emphasize compassion for all beings — ourselves included —– because we are all part of an interconnected whole.

It also entails relating to our situation with mindful awareness and making a mountain out of every little mole hill.

Fortunately, women have access to an incredibly powerful tool they can use to turn things around. We can draw on our ability to care for and nurture others and direct these strengths inward.

The help we need to thrive is available inside us, there whenever we need it, especially when things are at their worst. We have to dismiss the notion that others are worthy of kindness and we are not. We need to promote compassion in every aspect of life, and the first place to start is with ourselves.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Diet Myths That Keep You Fat

by Linda Franklin

We are bombarded daily by the do’s and dont’s of proper eating. Tune into any daytime television show and there’s a discussion going on about healthy eating.  But despite the constant stream of experts trying to scare us thin, there are several dieting myths that keep us fat.

Here are 6 of the beliefs that sabotage our success despite our best intentions:

1.  SKIPPING BREAKFAST

Myth –  Not having breakfast encourages your body to burn fat

Fact –  Thin people eat breakfast; fat people don’t‘

Missing breakfast leads to overeating later in the day as blood sugar drops mid-morning, making you more compulsive around food and less likely to resist that double mocha and danish.  Plus, you are more likely to binge at night as your body plays catch-up on missed calories, making you more likely to store the calories as fat.

2. WEEKEND BINGING

Myth –  If you eat healthily all week, it’s fine to treat yourself at weekends

Fact - Even after five days of restraint, two days of freestyle carbicide will make you gain weight

Carbs are first stored as glucose and water, and will turn into fat if it isn’t worked off, so you’ll need to do extra exercise during the  week.

To avoid the temptation to binge, pepper your working week with small amounts of what you love to eat, maybe a nice glass of wine, some cheese and a few squares of dark chocolate.

3. DIET DRINKS

Myth –  Diet drinks have no calories so they won’t impact on weight

Fact –  People who drink diet drinks are fatter than those who don’t

A study from the University of Texas Health Science Centre found that people who drank 21 diet drinks a week were twice as likely to be overweight.

Another study that followed diet drinkers over a ten-year period found their waists grew a staggering 70 per cent more than non-diet drinkers’ waistlines.

‘Diet drinks feed a sweet tooth. When the body receives a sweet taste without the calories it expects, it triggers sweet cravings that make you eat more.

Sweeteners have also been shown to have a similar effect to real sugar on blood glucose and insulin levels.

4.  ‘BUT IT’S HEALTHY’

Myth –  I can eat as much healthy food as I like

Fact  – Healthy food has calories too

Hummus, pistachios and peanuts contain healthy fats but come with masses of calories and often fail the ‘eat just one’ test. Such foods can act as triggers for those with a tendency to overeat.

Being “healthy” doesn’t give people carte blanche to completely ignore calories.

5.  FAT PHOBIA

Myth –  Avoid fat if you want to lose weight

Fact –  Successful dieters get 30 per cent of their daily calories from fat

Studies show that the tiny ten per cent of people who lose weight and keep it off eat moderate amounts of fat.

When dieters avoid fat, they are hungry all the time. Dieters’ obsession with low-fat products merely fuels a craving for fatty foods, and that’s why they end up bingeing on cakes, cookies and ice cream – all sources of the fat the body needs.

Low-fat food is pointless for people wanting to lose weight because when real fat is removed, something needs to be added to retain taste and texture – ‘usually sugar and flour, which provide calories but are nutritionally poor’.

6.  DIETS, Full Stop

Myth –  Diets work for long-term weight loss

Fact -  90% of yo-yo dieters don’t keep the weight off

Most people can’t tolerate rigid dieting for long so once it’s inevitably stopped, weight goes on a little more than before.

‘Then you go on another diet, lose again, stop and go a little higher still. That is how crash dieters gain more and more weight over time.

‘The body thinks it’s starving so, to compensate, will switch on all the mechanisms it has to store food.’

‘One of these is hormones. Last October, a University of Melbourne study of 50 overweight women and men showed that after dieting, our hormone levels start to work overtime and react as though our bodies are starving.

The bottom line: dieting was making them hungrier.

What you should do ‘The only diets that have been proven effective for long-term weight loss in randomized controlled studies are those that focus on higher amounts of protein and vegetables, and limit carbohydrates to those with a low glycemic index.

Losing weight isn’t rocket science.  Common sense rules.  You will gain weight if you take in more calories than you burn off.  Make sure you include exercise in your healthy living routine.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.