How Has Valentine’s Day Changed?

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

When I was a little girl in grammar school, Valentine’s Day meant anticipation mixed with anxiety. Would I get a Valentine from my secret crush? Did I have to give Valentines to ALL the children-even the ones I didn’t like? Would I get the least amount in class? What if I didn’t get any?Childhood insecurities move into adulthood and those of us who are single, divorced, widowed or in an iffy relationship may still measure our worth by how we are acknowledged on this day of romance.

If time and maturity have taught me anything, it is what I can live with and what I can live without. Cards, boxes of decadent candies, roses no longer preoccupy my thoughts. Fantasies of romantic, champagne dinners and elegant dancing under romantic starlit nights don’t even enter my thoughts. I have come to see and value things differently in my life. Maybe it is perspective I have gained. Maybe it is due to the hard knocks life doles out to us all. Maybe, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” regardless, this is how I have chosen to spend this Valentine’s Day.

Because I know that couples will be out celebrating their special night on Valentine’s night, I am getting in ahead of them and have scheduled a Valentine dinner party with girl friends the night before. At 5 pm Wednesday night, we’ll meet at an Italian restaurant in town, at the bar, for drinks and dinner. No men allowed. All women, whether married or not, are welcome. I posted my invitation on my Facebook account so all females on my friends’ list can choose to come or not. Regardless of the fact there will be no male suitors, the women I have come to know, cherish, respect and love will be there and we will celebrate the joy of being friends together.

After all, spending Valentine’s is about being with someone you love, right?

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Opposites Attract – Or Do They?

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

Are opposites really attracted to each other?  It may be true with magnets,  but when it comes to relationships, opposites may attract initially, but in the long term COMMONALITY keeps two people together.

Thomas Chomorro-Premuzic, Ph.D. (Associate Professor of Psychology, Goldsmiths, University of London and a researcher in personality and intelligence) notes there are five basic personality traits among couples that can be used to predict positive longevity in their relationship.

He says the couple needs to be on the same page in regard to how they define a successful relationship. Hooking up and “seeing how it goes” usually only results in a positive, long term relationship by accident. Shared goals are important in areas of: longevity, child rearing philosophies, religious beliefs, financial success, passion, career, and other issues of importance to each.

1) Ambition: If one partner is highly driven and the other is otherwise totally laid back (Type A vs lazy) resentment can develop on either side. The Type A may view the laid back person as a freeloader, whereas the overly laid back person may develop anxiety over the ambitious activity of his partner. It is better to be equally ambitious in a relationship.

2) Openness: If you have an open mind and are adventurous and your partner is conservative, risk averse and not interested in doing or learning new things, it can cause relationship struggle.

3) Emotional Intelligence: If your partner tends to use you as his shrink and projects his neurosis (now termed “Personality Disorder”) on you and the world, it puts added strain on the relationship. Chomorro-Premuzic warns highly stable people to be aware that needy, unstable people will make them a target and use them as a sort of human sedative for their lives. This becomes physically and emotionally draining to the stronger partner.

4) Sociability: Introvert vs extrovert. Small differences are tolerable, but vast differences can prevent one of the partners from living and enjoying a full life. If one has to stay home to “baby sit” an unsociable partner, boredom/anxiety/depression/resentment can develop.

5) Altruism/Agreeableness: If you are sensitive to the needs of others and your partner is otherwise lacking in empathy, you will end up behaving differently and you may even view your partner as self centered and even immoral. It is important to be equally predisposed to giving to others.

Small differences in personality between partners can be tolerated; however in terms of overall happiness and relationship longevity, being similar bonds people together in a positive way while overtly opposite personality traits will tend to erode a relationship over time.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Nothing But The Truth: How To Tell If Someone Is Lying

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

 

Petruchio: Come on, a God’s name; once more toward our father’s. 

Good Lord, how bright and goodly shines the moon!

Katherina: The moon? The sun! It is not moonlight now.

Petruchio: I say it is the moon that shines so bright.

Katherina: I know it is the sun that shines so bright.

Petruchio: Now by my mother’s son, and that’s myself,

It shall be moon, or star, or what I list,

Or ere I journey to your father’s house.

Go on and fetch our horses back again.

Evermore cross’d and cross’d; nothing but cross’d!

(Act IV, Scene V, The Taming of the Shrew)

 

 

Clearly, Shakespeare’s Petruchio was lying to dear Katherina when he told her the moon was out and she saw the sun; still he persisted and insisted that what he said was reality, simply because he was saying it. How often have you stared reality in the face and allowed the other person to convince you of a lie? Is it sometimes easier to go into denial and accept a lie than it is to confront someone? 

 

There are many ways to catch lying behavior. Here are just a few:

 

Don’t focus on what someone says. Believe what you see or know to be reality, instead. Believe a person’s behavior as opposed to his words. If someone says one thing and reality points to another or if he says one thing and then does another, it is proof positive of lying behavior.

 

Many liars avoid eye contact; however a sociopath or well practiced liar can look right into your eyes and lie without blinking. 

 

If the person hides his hands or keeps touching his face, covers his mouth, rubs his eyes, looks away or suddenly becomes distracted for no reason, changes the topic or dismisses it with an attempt at humor, it is indicative of avoidant behavior or lying. Body language can be a good indicator, but again-a sociopath or well practiced liar can avoid body languages’ tale tell signs.

 

A person who acts overly defensively, tries to make you feel wrong or guilty for confronting him about not being truthful instead of rationally discussing your concerns, usually has something to hide.

 

Trying to turn the situation, accusation or your own words around on you and putting you on the defense is a tactic many people employ in order to avoid truthfulness.

 

If someone threatens you with abandonment, ridicule, humiliation or even violence for not believing him in light of clear evidence pointing otherwise, run as far and as fast as you can in the opposite direction. This behavior is indicative of an emotional or mental disorder that can be potentially dangerous.

 

If someone insists over and over that what they are saying is true and you are the one who is wrong, or they continually deny an accusation based in truth, they are likely lying.  In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the Queen states “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. If someone has to continuously affirm (or object) so much, you need to question why, especially if they become emotional or vehement in their protestation or affirmation.

 

We usually have a built in red flag indicator when someone is lying to us. We feel uncertain, uncomfortable; our intuition tells us something isn’t quite right. Don’t be so quick to dismiss it or slide into denial or apologize. You don’t necessarily have to back a liar down or confront him with the truth and insist he swallow it. Many times the best way to handle a liar is to walk away from him. And don’t come back.

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Is It Time To Break Up With Your Facebook Page?

                                                                                                                                                                            By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D. 

Are you caught up in the social media craze/addiction? Do you sit on the toilet updating and reading your posts on Facebook on your IPhone until your legs fall asleep? What does adding “friends” on Facebook really mean?Yesterday I went on my Facebook page and scrolled down to my very first post in December of 2010. I scrolled through two years of happy birthday wishes, tons of “Likes” and even more “LOL” messages and for the life of me couldn’t remember half of the references. I had over 2,000 friends; most of whom I don’t know, will never meet and could care less about following. Was my real social life so lacking that I had to manufacture “friends” on a website in order to feel validated? Apparently, yes.

Clearly, it was time to break up with my Facebook page. But breakups are never easy, and what one does in the passion of the moment of self discovery may soon be regretted. So I decided to do it slowly.
 
First, I took down most of the photos I posted. Do I really want strangers (aka “friends” I don’t know) who may have malevolent intentions peruse them and copy them for God knows what reasons?

Secondly, I started culling the herd of “friends”, a daunting task, as I just want to get the roar down to a bearable and manageable hum. I have worked my way through the names beginning with the letter “A”. Over 200 friends were gone just like that.

Thirdly, as I read the postings others make, I decide if I really want to  keep this person on my list or not. Nothing personal, but if people post pictures that are disgusting, beg for money, push their causes, whine constantly, inbox me every time I am on line and try to engage me in endless, inane conversation–They are history.
 
Fourth, each day I look at the friends I have with birthdays. I no longer wish everyone a happy day. If I don’t know them, I delete them.

Fifth, people who live across the world and type in a language I will never take time to learn, well, I say “adios” to them.

My goal is to get my friends list to only real friends, family members and people I really want to connect with or follow. Other than that, I have bigger fish to fry…like living my life and spending less time on a social networking site that really isn’t helping me socialize.

It’s a start. It will take time to cull the herd. I am not accepting any new friend requests and haven’t for a while. I don’t play the games. I don’t use the applications. I have spent two and a half years of a lot of time reading, posting and clicking. And for the life of me, I can’t remember any of what I have read 24 hours later, except for the people I genuinely care about; which is what healthy relationships are really about. Right?

If you agree, click “Like”. (Sorry. Force of habit.)

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Formula For Successful Relationships

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

Today a friend of mine on Facebook posted this:

“Without trust, there is no loyalty. Without loyalty, there is no friendship. Without friendship, there is no love. Without love, there is no happiness. Without happiness, there is no peace. If you seek peace, you must first have trust.”

It reminded me how so many of us hand over our trust to someone too quickly, and just as quickly, we suffer the disappointment of doing so. I think women especially may be guilty of this. We tend to lead with our hearts and when we “feel” we can trust someone…we go for it. This can happen on a first, second or third date-long before we even really know the other person. Then we are shocked, disappointed and even angry when that person doesn’t live up to our expectations. The lament of, “but I trusted him/her” is the shot heard round the world that has echoed for generations on end.

“It’s important to get to know someone over the course of all the seasons of the year,” as a male friend once said. It’s important to see how they react and respond in a variety of situations. How do they handle anger? Adversity? Disappointment? How do they treat your family? Friends? Waiters? Are their emotions consistent? Do they walk their talk?

Yes, all this due diligence takes time but, if you are into “add water and stir” relationships, you have probably been disappointed more often than not.

So, to all of you I offer this simple formula for relationships (or for anything else for that matter): TIME + EXPERIENCE = OUTCOME

Remember: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Take TIME to get to know someone. Your EXPERIENCES together will yield the OUTCOME. It may not be the outcome you want or expect, but at least you won’t have handed over your trust to someone who didn’t deserve it. Make them earn it with consistent, positive behavior.

 

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

 

 

Leaving The Relationship First – Someone Has To

 By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

The more I listen to people, the more I learn. In fact, I learn more by listening than I do by talking. No surprise there. But what is surprising is that I hear a common refrain from both men and women about leaving a relationship.They want to leave but are waiting for the other person to make the first move.

They are actually hoping the other will make some grand, unforgivable relationship faux pas so they can justify breaking up, as opposed to just initiating “the talk” with their partner and calling it quits.

Another thing I hear people doing is picking ridiculous fights with their partner or purposely doing something to annoy or tick the other person off. They are provoking conflict so they can justify a break up and blame it on the other person or at the very least absolve them from any “guilt” about leaving. This almost always results in ill will and damaged egos and bruised feelings. You don’t need to justify why you want out. The fact that you want out is justification enough.

If breaking up is what someone truly wants to do, then just do it. Don’t cause a rift. Don’t pick a fight. Don’t blame, shame or guilt the other person. Do the break up cleanly, with integrity and by taking the high road. You don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond,”This just no longer works for me and I am moving on with my life. I wish you the best.”

If you aren’t happy with your relationship and you know there is no potential for a future with your partner, you are doing both of you a favor by moving on. Time is a precious commodity we can’t afford to waste and we can never get it back. Empower yourself by moving forward and find the love you are looking for. Learn from your current situation by making a fair and impartial assessment of the dynamics that did and did not work and improve yourself to attract what it is you truly want.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

 

 

Naughty Valentine’s Day

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

If you remember my Blog from last Valentine’s Day, you will know this is not my favorite time of year. It’s great if you are in a good relationship, but if your relationship is less than or doesn’t exist at all, hearing your girlfriends excitement about where they will be dining, what they’ll be wearing and what they’ll be getting only amplifies your own loneliness.

 

Well, this year I have decided to do something a little naughty. A very handsome and successful young man I know is coming into town. We’ll be meeting at one of Beverly Hill’s finest restaurants. He asked me, coyly, what I’d be wearing. I told him I had not brought anything back from holiday with me that is appropriate. He suggested he take me shopping and we’d pick out something nice together.

 

Well, that got the little passion cogs in my brain turning. I said to him, “Instead of shopping together, why don’t you go out and get me something you’d like to see me in? An outfit complete with sexy little underthings would be nice.” I then told him I’d meet him at the restaurant in a black trench coat and once seated at the table he could hand me the shopping bag. I’d then slip upstairs to the ladies’ room and put them on and come back down to our table where champagne would be waiting. We’d dine on succulent delicacies, sip champagne and who knows? Perhaps we’ll go back to the L’Ermitage Hotel and his room for dessert. 

 

A girl can dream, can’t she?

 

Valentine’s Day. What are you doing? Do you plan to be naughty or nice?

 

 The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Does Cheating Ever Work Out?

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

 

Back in my grandparents’ era, divorce was relatively uncommon. Women had fewer choices then and fewer financial resources. “Divorce” and “adultery” were dirty words only whispered.  Most wives looked the other way. There was not any No Fault Divorce on the books, so one had to prove adultery or cruelty, which brought even more whispers and shame from the community.

Flash forward to the ‘60’s and women’s struggle for civil rights, equal pay for equal work and sexual freedom. Increased financial resources meant women didn’t have to put up with infidelity any more; they could now take care of themselves.

Nowadays, almost as many married women as men are cheating. The “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” is alive…but is it well…for relationships, that is. Celebrities do it. Politicians do it. Now Middle America is doing it. But I have to believe it is taking its toll on relationships and perhaps people are not really focused on the gravity of the marriage commitment so much when they think,”If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce, or find someone on the side.”

I also have to believe, there are those of us out there who still believe in the integrity of the institution of marriage. Just this week, a young man whom I have known for a few years texted and asked me to have an affair with him. “Aren’t you married?” I asked him. “And don’t you have a young child with your wife?”

Here is the rest of the conversation:

Him: You know you want to see me. I really want to see you.

Me: There is no potential upside for me to see you.  And it would not be fair to your wife or your son. I am sorry you chose to marry a woman with whom you now say you don’t love and don’t feel sexually compatible, but you made that choice and now you have a child with her.

Him: Do you want to see me or do you just want to tear me apart?

Me: I don’t break up marriages or families and I don’t help married men cheat. I have integrity and ethics about that.

Him: OK. I get it. How about we meet just for coffee? We can be friends. Good friends.

Me: Frankly, I don’t associate with liars and cheaters.

Him: You know you want to see me. We had such great chemistry together once. Let’s see if it’s still there.

Me: There is no future for us either romantically or as friends. I hope you focus instead on your relationship with your wife and son.

Afterwards, it occurred to me if women didn’t cheat with married men (and vice versa) then the rate of infidelity would go drastically down.  People would think hard about making a marriage commitment and work harder at making better choices and working on the relationship.

 

Men cheat because we LET them cheat. Maybe wives don’t give them permission to do it, but it makes it easier if other women make ourselves available. I happen to believe I am worth more than being the “other woman.”  A LOT more. Think of it this way: Would YOU want some woman helping your husband or partner cheat on you? 

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Holiday Breakups – Tis The Season

By: Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D.

 

Seeing more couples breakup around the Holidays is not that uncommon.  Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are defining moments of joy as well as sorrow. If we are in a marginal relationship with someone, we are inclined to start thinking, “Thanksgiving is around the corner. Christmas is next. Then there’s New Year’s. Do I really want to take this relationship into the next year?”

 

If you are not in a serious relationship, it is a time for thinking, “Do I really want to spend the holidays with this person I have been seeing but don’t really feel all that committed to? If we spend the holidays together, will he think this is getting too serious?” Then there are other considerations: What do you spend on a gift? How much time should you spend together? Do you take him home to meet family and friends? 

 

Holidays do mean something relationship wise. They mean you are spending more time, effort, money and emotional energy with someone else. It also means introducing that person to family members and friends and being pulled aside and asked, “Is this serious between the two of you?” While you may be wondering if he is worth keeping around, he may be wondering the same about you. This sets up tension in a relationship. 

 

It may be time to evaluate your relationship and have a frank discussion about where it is, where it is going, where it is not, and what you each want to do about it. There is nothing so bad as being alone for the holidays, unless you are with someone who doesn’t make you happy.

 

 The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest. 

 

Men Who Don’t Want To Leave

by Dr. Fayr Barkley, Ph.D

 

It starts out very insidiously. You have a few dates with a new man; dinner, movie, an event with mutual friends. All is going well and it feels like you have been together forever. You invite him over to your place for pizza and a DVD. He brings his toothbrush and you think nothing of it since he is staying the night and it is just a toothbrush. A week later you look in your fridge and there are 7 types of bread, a six pack of beer – none of which you have bought.

 

As you stand there ferreting through all his food stuff, you realize the amount of laundry you have been doing lately has doubled. Sure, he has been spending the last several nights at your place. Why not? He is easy to get along with, the sex is great and since he does live one town over, it is just more convenient for the both of you. You also realize that since he has been camping out at your place, he has acquired two of your dresser drawers, several hangers in your closet and now his car AND his motorcycle are parked in your driveway. And then it hits you: When did he move in?

 

You tell yourself, “I should have seen it coming.” You are no stranger to the toothbrush routine and this isn’t your first rodeo. But here it is again–a situation that went from inertia to warp speed, from just meeting and starting to date to finding his socks and underwear all over the house. As you stand bewildered in front of the fridge wondering who on earth needs 7 types of bread, you hear him in the living room on his cell phone telling the newspaper to change his delivery from his house to yours.

 

Gulp.

 

When did this turn from casual to commitment without a summit conference and press release? Why didn’t you get the memo? And most importantly, are you ready for cohabitating with a man you really haven’t known very long? Isn’t the reason for dating to get to know someone well enough through all the seasons before you make a life altering decision such as this?

 

Moving in together changes a lot and for those of us women who are accustomed to living on our own, it can mean redesigning our plans, patterns, and daily decisions. It means having to have 24/7 consideration for the person who is now under our roof.  Moving in is a big decision that should not be taken lightly nor without much discussion. Ground rules need to be set. (Don’t leave your dirty underwear and newspapers all over the house.) Division of labor needs to be addressed. (If he cooks, you clean up the kitchen.) Finances need to be discussed. You need to discuss what is and what is not acceptable to you; since it is YOUR roof he is living under. And you also need to let him know where you draw the hard line that can get him kicked out.

 

If your new man starts to move in on you, be aware of the tell tale signs. It usually begins with a toothbrush. The best case scenario is that things go wonderfully and the relationship is strengthened; but this can only happen with honest communication and boundaries that are set and respected by both parties.

 

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.