No Sex Marriages – Can They Work?

by Linda Franklin

In a sex-obsessed society, where everyone – young, old, male and female – seems to be boasting of how many times a week they ‘do it’. The average person has sex 103 times per year, one study has found.  So that is why this may come as a relief to those who don’t come anywhere near that high water mark.  Many couples are happy to admit that sex plays no part in their marriages at all.

When partners find themselves at a point where sexual intimacy has died they tend to confide their predicament to no one. That’s understandable because  lack of sexual intimacy could be considered a personal flaw you don’t want people to find out about.

However, sexless relationships are a lot more common than people realize – sex therapists hear about this issue all the time from their patients.’

‘Couples who don’t make love start living like brother and sister or friends and get out of the habit of seeing one another in a sexual way,’ says Relate counsellor Paula Hall.

‘If both partners want to reintroduce sex, we encourage them to do so slowly, learning how to be sensual with each other and gradually building up to intercourse.’

Janice Hiller, consultant clinical psychologist at London’s Tavistock Centre for relationships, counsels hundreds of couples a year and says the death of intimacy in marriage is the reason most people seek help.

‘I’m sure many more don’t sign up for counselling but make a choice to stay together without sex,’ she says.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Secrets For Making Your Man Feed Wanted

by Linda Franklin

Real Cougar Women are uber independent.  There isn’t much we can’t figure out on our own, but at the same time, we know how to make the man in our life feel needed and wanted.

Here are 6 proven secrets for balancing your relationship and keeping your guy feel loved and appreciated.

1. Show him you’re partners. There’s a big difference between showing your  man you need him (which he craves) and being needy (which terrifies him). A good partner wants to make you happy, to comfort you when you’re having a bad day, and to support you along your journey.

2. Ask his opinion.  Guys love to feel that their opinion is valued (who doesn’t, really?) So if you’re angling for a promotion at work or wondering how to deal with a difficult boss, ask your guy for his thoughts. Keep in mind that men are a solution-oriented sex, so be prepared for him to suggest an action plan.

3.  Let him make plans. Real Cougars want to do it all which isn’t the greatest way to show a man you care. Give him the chance to help you and to surprise you.  Yes, he may not do things exactly the way you do, but that can be a good thing.

4.  Ask him to help you with a “manly” task. Nothing boosts a man’s ego like doing something, well, manly. My husband revels in his ability to put together a piece of Ikea furniture that comes in 279 pieces.  Again its about letting him know he’s needed and you that you really can’t do it ALL yourself.

5.  Let him teach you about something he loves. Whether it’s olitics, football, investing, your guy is passionate about something you know nothing about. So ask him to tell you about it…then let him take you to a game, or plan a trip, or set a budget. He’ll be so appreciative that you took the time to learn about something that’s important to him, and the bonding experience will be priceless.

6.  Thank him. When your guy shares some information that you find interesting, or cracks you up with a funny story, or helps you figure out a problem that’s been baffling you, be sure to thank him. Let him know that he’s the only one who can make you laugh that hard, and the person who understands you best. The warm, fuzzy, confident feeling he gets when he’s around you will keep him coming back for more, guaranteed!

Give these tips a try and watch how he makes a special effort to show you how much YOU are needed.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Can Affairs Can Save Your Marriage?

by Linda Franklin

Can an affair actually help save a troubled marriage?  Believe it or not many women say it can.

1 in 3 reported that infidelity helped boost their marital sex life.

Of those who do have affairs, 73 per cent said that they are doing it because they feel neglected by their spouse or partner.

Among the women who said that neglect was the reason for their infidelity, many also cited not having their emotional needs met – a factor that played a significant role in their decision to find someone else.  This doesn’t come as a shock.  Feeling under appreciated, neglected and taken for granted is a common war cry amongst women.

‘The reality is that many people can’t leave their partners for financial reasons and women in particular are usually reluctant to sacrifice their family life.

‘So they are taking care of their needs outside marriage. They’re stepping into the male arena when it comes to infidelity.’

Relationship expert, Tracey Cox, comments: ‘Sometimes an affair can be a wake up call for a marriage and jolt one or both partners into realizing just how important they are to each other and how devastating it would be to lose them.’

But, in general, betrayal isn’t an easy pill to swallow by either partner.  Once the bond of trust is broken it’s very hard to knit it back together.

The way to solve problems in a relationship is to talk about them and confront them before there’s the temptation to play away.

Everyone wants to be desired. If a married couple agree they both want to have sex elsewhere, it’s their decision. But when one person in a marriage wants to sleep with someone else but the other doesn’t, it will cause great pain.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Relationships That Work Aren’t Power Plays

 by Linda Franklin

Do we really need relationship geniuses  telling us what makes love last?  Most of the time it comes down to common sense, but I will admit, lots of us lack that quality when it comes to our personal relationships. Too often it becomes a power play, a tug of war of who’s right and who’s wrong.

If you put a relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be you who loses. The question is: Is what you’re doing working or not working?

The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built.  Is there a solid underlying friendship that meets the needs of the two people involved?

There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way  – the one that  works. But recognize when it’s not working and be honest when it needs fixing.

Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.

You don’t fix things by fixing your partner. You don’t necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.

Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there’s no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Intimacy Begins With Your Ability To Be Alone

By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP

While the definition of intimacy may vary depending on the relationship, it is generally felt to be the “ authentic” connection between two people. As such, the connection reflects a mutuality of loving feelings shared and expressed in thought, affect and behavior.

Less discussed and perhaps surprising, is the importance of the “capacity to be alone” in establishing true intimacy.

What Is The “Capacity To Be Alone?”

• Originally coined by the British pediatrician/psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, the “capacity to be alone” refers to the development of individuality that starts with the infant’s ability to be alone in the presence of the mother.
• It is the child’s ability to move from the sense of the mother’s compassionate, comforting and loving presence, to his/her ability to hold on to her presence, even when alone.
• This internalized sense of the comforting mother develops into the psychological capacity to regulate anxiety, self-soothe, and experience a true authentic self. In essence, this is the capacity to be alone.

Why Is This an Asset To Intimacy?

• True intimacy starts with a comfort in your own sense of self.  If you like yourself and feel comfortable, you will be able to relate in a real and genuine way with another person.

You won’t have to be what someone else wants or needs you to be.

• True intimacy is possible when you have the “capacity to be alone” because it implies choice. You may want to be with someone. You don’t have to be with someone because you fear that being alone leaves you without stability or value.

You don’t have to cling to someone to avoid abandonment or avoid someone for fear of rejection.

• True intimacy is possible when there is psychological separation or room for partners to come and go from each other physically and psychologically.

• Couples often report that when they are apart from each other during the course of the day, they think more positively and romantically about each other than at any other time.

Neurochemistry supports this idea with findings that separation actually revs up dopamine and epinephrine, the hormones associated with sexual desire.

Do You Have The Capacity To Be Alone? Does Your Partner?

Most self-growth starts with self-reflection that leads to self-awareness.

The following list is a translation of the “capacity to be alone” into thoughts, feelings and behaviors that occur in the day-to-day lives of partners. They may be with considering.

If you have the “capacity to be alone”….

• You can have an intimate relationship with a partner without feeling you have jeopardized your parents’ love.
• You can tolerate your partner’s relationship with his/her family.
• You value your independence but you are not threatened by the reality that you and your partner also depend on each other.
• You enjoy spending time with your partner and others; but you also value your solitude.
• You are not jealous if your partner enjoys time with his/her friends.
• You can tolerate your partner’s having a difference of opinion from yours.
• You can agree to follow your partner’s opinion without fear of being controlled.
• You can negotiate a mutual solution in a way that balances needs and dreams.
• You are able to recognize that as separate people you and your partner may be preoccupied with things that have nothing to do with the other—and need not be taken personally.
• Given that you are individuals as well as partners, you don’t hold the other responsible for knowing what you need without communicating it in some way.
• Given that you are partners as well as individuals, you take pride in knowing your partner in ways that others don’t—without presuming to know all.
• You can hold on to the connection with your partner even if you are not physically together.
• You can make a sexual overture without fearing rejection.
• You don’t need you or your partner to be perfect in order to have a sense of self-worth.
• You can say “ No” to your partner without fear of reprisal or rejection.
• You don’t need the world to love your partner—because you love your partner.
• You can risk being angry with your partner.
• You can recover from a fight or argument with your partner without “ winning” or “ blaming.”
• You can own your part in a problem or your mistake without a blow to your self-esteem.
• You can tolerate the temporary disconnect that comes from arguing with your partner without fearing that the relationship will be over or the love will be lost.
• You can apologize.
• You can forgive.
• You feel a personal sense of worth although you greatly treasure your partner’s affirmation.
• You are not afraid that asking for or receiving your partner’s help will compromise your self-esteem.
• You feel pride and confidence in face of your partner’s plans to achieve personal goals without fear of being overlooked or left behind.
• You don’t need your partner to want to do whatever you are doing, whenever you are doing it.
• You can comfortably enjoy the benefits and balance of the You-We-Me in your relationship.
• You never believe that a partner who is out of sight is out of love with you.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Older Husbands Are An Asset To Ambitious Women

by Linda Franklin

We’ve all heard that behind every great man is a great woman.  But does that same theory work in reverse?

According to Xerox CEO Ursula Burns, it does.  In fact, she says the ‘secret’ of her success was marrying a man 20 years older than her.

Burns’s husband Lloyd Bean also worked for Xerox as a scientist and researcher, but she was the real star. The engineering hotshot started as a summer intern at Xerox and rose rapidly through the ranks to become the first African-American female CEO.

It seems that Burns, who was known for challenging conventional wisdom at work, wasn’t afraid to do the same in her personal life. She saw her husband’s age as an advantage instead of an obstacle because, according to The Wall Street Journal, he ‘had already gone through this ‘growing up’ stuff.

Of course there are always issues in any relationship, but older men are biologically wired to be more nurturing. As someone raised by a single mom in a Lower East Side housing project, this was undoubtedly an important quality to Burns.

Other high-profile females have spoken out about the importance of choosing the right partner. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has openly praised her husband’s willingness to split childcare and housework.

And for some power couples like Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman, whose neurosurgeon husband Griffith Harsh IV moved from Harvard to California when she became CEO of eBay, the secret seems to be prioritizing and compromise.

So for ambitious women, it seems that the most important factor isn’t a partner’s age. It’s his attitude.

Most successful people have learned the importance of picking the right person on the job. But since relationships can build us up or tear us down every day, the most important member of the team is the one waiting for us at home.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Cougar Women Have Trouble Trusting

By Linda Frankin

Trust is something we all want and deserve from a partner, but often our past experiences make that difficult to achieve.

Here’s an email I received from a woman who isn’t quite sure if her boyfriend is being totally honest about his intentions.

Dear Linda:

I have read your book “Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am” and I really enjoyed it. I was wondering if you could be so kind as to help me out and give me some of your wise words regarding a new relationship.

I recently met a man who is a police officer. (Nothing like a man in uniform and I’ve never dated one before.) He is 10 years younger, we’re both single and we both have special needs children. We have a lot in common.We have the same likes and he understands the Spiritual Path that I follow. 

 Here is my concern. I am a very curvaceous, full-figured woman with auburn hair and blue-green eyes. I don’t look my age of 49 – more like I’m in my 30′s. I take good care of myself and I am very confident. It’s just that on a previous occasion, quite a few years ago, another man in uniform told me he liked me, found me very attractive but wouldn’t date me because firefighters and police officers don’t date women like me. They date petite blondes, who are a size 6.  They have to date hot women to keep an image, so to speak.

I know that all men are not the same. But I’m a little leery of getting involved with this police officer. I do not want to be out with him, run into some of his co-workers and end up being the butt of some joke. I have talked to him about it and he says he doesn’t care. But his previous girlfriend was, guess what? Petite blonde, size 6 with big breasts.

Your input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Dear Unsure: 

Don’t let your past experience influence the present.  All men aren’t that shallow.  Your guy said the age difference doesn’t bother him – but it sure is bothering you.  STOP trying to read his mind – it’s impossible to do.  Instead, enjoy each other, take one step at a time and silence that nagging voice in your head from ruling your life.  Live for now and enjoy the moment. Fear can stop us from doing many things that are beneficial for our growth.  Don’t let it rob you of your chance at happiness.

Linda

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Impotence Becomes One Man’s Biggest Blessing

by Linda Franklin

Prior to founding Heart Open LLC, Michael Russer was a highly successful international speaker, author and columnist. Then in September of 2011 he began a year-long personal transformation that included a diagnosis of prostate cancer, radical prostatectomy, followup intensive radiation treatments and full-blown impotence.

He considers impotence to be one of the biggest blessings in his life. It made it possible for him and his partner to discover an entirely new approach to experiencing levels of emotional and physical intimacy that far exceeded anything he felt before.

Michael was on our weekly radio show, Powered Up, last night talking in great deatail about his fabulous sex life and it’s a WOW!!!.  I really urge you to listen to the podcast -  it’s an eye-opener. He told us that he and his girlfriend have to schedule time for sex on their calendars because each session lasts between 2 and 4 hours.  Yes, you read that right.

It is difficult for men who have had the radical surgery Michael did to achieve an erection, who can lead to all sorts of problems.  Because of this loss, it’s difficult  them to believe they still are still strong sexual beings capable of giving and receiving pleasure.  Men are conditioned to believe that intercourse is the end all, be all of sexual activity, but, there are so many other delicious ways to connect.  Women know this, men have to be taught.

The most important part of achieving satisfying sex is for the two people involved to have a strong emotional connection.  Without great communication, the sex never even comes close to its full potential.  Sex is not a chore, not a race to the finish, it’s a time when two people who care about each other delight in providing pleasure in a way that is loving and satisfying.  There is no goal you have to achieve – it’s fun with no pressure.

It is Michael’s personal mission to serve other couples who struggle with emotional and physical intimacy due to Erectile Dysfunction/Impotence and use his vibrant communication skills and his personal experience to share what he has learned.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest

Women Who Are Self Abusers

by Linda Franklin

Women are incredibly hard on themselves.  We don’t seem to comprehend that all that second guessing or picking apart every flaw we see in the mirror, is abuse. That self-inflicting feeling of not being enough is hard on us and causes all kinds of repercussions.

Research shows that women are generally kinder, more nurturing and empathetic than our male counterparts, but at the same time, we’re meaner, more dismissive, and critical of ourselves.  What does that say about us?

Low self-esteem is a killer. The need to see ourselves as worthy puts incredible pressure on our psyche.  It’s like walking around with a 100 pound weight on each shoulder.  This notion of perfection, isn’t realistic yet for some reason feel it’s very real.

Our sense of self-worth goes up and down like a yo-yo in lockstep with our latest success or failure. We get an incredible high when we receive a nice complement, but feel like jumping off a bridge when someone ignores us or — worse — criticizes us.  We may say we don’t care what others think but inside where it counts our stomach is in knots.

Study after study shows that women who are self-compassionate are much less depressed, anxious and stressed, as well as happier, more confident, and satisfied with their lives, than their harshly self-critical counterparts.

But what does self-compassion mean exactly? The concept stems from Buddhist traditions that emphasize compassion for all beings — ourselves included —– because we are all part of an interconnected whole.

It also entails relating to our situation with mindful awareness and making a mountain out of every little mole hill.

Fortunately, women have access to an incredibly powerful tool they can use to turn things around. We can draw on our ability to care for and nurture others and direct these strengths inward.

The help we need to thrive is available inside us, there whenever we need it, especially when things are at their worst. We have to dismiss the notion that others are worthy of kindness and we are not. We need to promote compassion in every aspect of life, and the first place to start is with ourselves.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality.  Linda Franklin says,”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.

Men Don’t Forgive Cheaters As Easily As Women

by Linda Franklin

Cheating – not a good thing – most of us would agree, but men find it harder than a woman to forgive this betrayal.  If you’re a woman who is thinking about confessing  an indiscretion be ready for the explosion of anger and grief that will follow.  It’s probably even worse than you imagine.

While infidelity has traditionally been regarded as a masculine trait, an increasing number of women are cheating on their husbands. Financial equality plus more time spent at work are fueling this role reversal.

It wasn’t so long ago that women would  have felt obliged to stick at an ailing marriage, these days they don’t feel so compelled to stay.

A surge in power may have propelled women to be unfaithful but the male attitude isn’t changing quite so fast.  For a betrayed man, it’s a slight against his manhood.   It goes right to the core of his identity.

For men, the sexual component of their wife’s affair is very important – they are more concerned about the sexual aspect than if their wife loved the man she slept with.

‘I don’t think a woman’s reason for having an affiar is that different from a man’s –  they’re looking for attention, affection, emotional support that in that’s going to lead to a sexual encounter.

Before you have anything to confess, try improving communication with your mate.  Tell him how you are feeling and see if you can work it out together or with a trained therapist..  If you don’t  you might be headed for a blowup you are not prepared for.

The Real Cougar Woman is a 5-carat diamond who knows the importance of taking care of her health, beauty, relationships, finances and spirituality. Linda Franklin says, ”there is no stopping a woman who has a strong belief system, passion and a dream. All things are possible”. Linda’s book, Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am helps women of all ages tap into their power and live life to the fullest.